


I Know Who You Want Me To Be (But I'm Just Not There Yet)

by brooklynbis



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Crying, Drinking, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, First Kiss, Gaslighting, Hurt/Comfort, Lashton - Freeform, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Requested, Sounds Live Feels Live World Tour, alcoholism?, ashton irwin is the best boyfriend, based on second hand heart, even when he isn't luke's boyfriend, just a bit of a drabble really, set during their break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-15 06:00:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17523209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brooklynbis/pseuds/brooklynbis
Summary: As he looks around the room, his gaze can't help but fall on the framed photo on the bedside table. It was one of the band when they had first formed, after their first gig together. Even in that photo, there was something different between Ashton and Luke than there was between any of the other pairs.But this wasn't how friends acted.________________________AKA Luke has some sort of identity crisis, Ashton is the best boyfriend-not-boyfriend and eventually they get their shit together.





	I Know Who You Want Me To Be (But I'm Just Not There Yet)

**Author's Note:**

> this was requested by mariogolmez on tumblr based on the prompt of “I can't steal you the stars but I can give you this second hand heart” (I went a bit off topic but I based it on the general song so can it count?) 
> 
> just a lil heads up!!! I am practically always taking requests for basically any fandom that I'm in, and I'm open to writing most things (excluding smut) so if anybody wants anything written, comment it here or send me something on tumblr! anything really! 
> 
> trigger warnings : mentions of alcoholism/alcohol as a coping mechanism, hints of mental health issues and mentions of gaslighting and emotional manipulation.   
> title from 'Second Hand Heart' by Ben Haenow  
> comments, feedback and kudos would be appreciated if you enjoyed, plus any prompts which you can leave in the comments or in my tumblr ask box @/brooklynbis

He woke up to arms wrapped loosely around him. He blinked a couple of times, slowly moving his arm to rub his eyes sleepily. The room around him was silent, peaceful as the sun tried to peak through the curtains. 

As Luke turned around to lie on his back, he looked to his side and was not surprised to see Ashton was the one hugging him, snoring softly as he slept. 

Sometimes, he wandered if he deserved the life he had. If he deserved the tours, the music, the boys. It was in moments like these that he realised he took Michael, Calum and Ashton for granted, and he realises how much better they could do. 

As he looks around the room, his gaze can't help but fall on the framed photo on the bedside table. It was one of the band when they had first formed, after their first gig together. Even in that photo, there was something different between Ashton and Luke than there was between any of the other pairs. Luke didn't see it at the time, and he still struggled to see it sometimes.

But this wasn't how friends acted. 

Sleeping in the same bed, cooking for each other, making sure the other didn't fall off the rails. The occasional hand holding, the talking without words. Luke was far too aware how that wasn't how friends acted towards each other. 

But it just felt so right.

___________________________

These four walls had always brought Luke a sense of safety and security. From the first time they had rehearsed at Ashton's house, Luke felt peace when he was surrounded by the pale blue walls, Ashton's drum kit tucked away in the corner, drumsticks balanced on the stool. 

He could remember the time he passed all of his exams, and the first place he went was to Ashton, who celebrated with him by buying cake, and letting Luke pick the movies they got to watch that evening, and even buying him a silly little badge and a pack of stickers. It seemed stupid to anybody else, but it had made Luke laugh, which was what mattered. 

He remembered the first time he had been broken up with. He was young, the band was just beginning to get popular. He genuinely thought this girl liked him for him, she certainly gave that impression. He was devastated when she broke it off, claiming the band wasn't getting big enough fast enough for her liking. Ashton was the one who opened him with open arms, made him hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows to cheer him up. Ashton was the one who let him stay the night, who reminded him that he should be loved for being him, not just because he might end up famous ("You will Lukey, you are rockstar material, I tell you."). 

He remembered after he had a row with his parents, when he broached the subject of possibly liking guys to them. It came as a shock to them, considering he'd only ever had girlfriends, and in the heat of the moment, his father blamed Ashton (who was never quiet about the fact that he was gay) and his influence. He knew his father was being irrational, but it didn't stop him being upset, thinking there was something wrong with him. And Ashton was there again, and even when Luke didn't want to talk, Ashton was still the one who wiped away his tears and comforted him, he was still the one who never pressured Luke to talk about what had upset him. 

He just accepted him. 

He remembered after the tour, when he took Arzaylea home with him, and she had hit him. She broke it off, claiming he wasn't treating her the way she deserved to be treated, and that she deserved better. It was the last time he saw her, but he knew he had to deal with that on his own. The other boys were all on their own well deserved breaks at this point, he couldn't ruin that. 

Ashton somehow knew. Even though they hadn't seen each other, he somehow knew that things had ended between him and Arzaylea, and even through his texts, he could sense how hurt he was. And he invited him to stay at his for the time being. He never made Luke feel bad for it, made out like it was him that needed Luke (which was true to an extent). 

He was the one who helped Luke. He accepted him, with no questions asked. No expectations, no demands to be met. He was just allowed to exist when he was at Ashton's. 

And that was a feeling to be relished. 

____________________________

He turned to alcohol for a while. He tried to fill this void in his chest with partying, and drink, and the occasional one night stand. He didn't know how else to fill this void that he just woke up with one day, with no clue as to what had made it appear. 

The alcohol numbed it all. 

It quietened his racing thoughts about how he should've treated her better, should've treated her like the queen she was. About how, maybe, if he wasn't so hesitant about who he was, he could be happy. About how he was letting down fans by not writing and releasing new music right this second. 

All of that disappeared when he drunk. 

And he knew Ashton hated it. He hated Luke smelling of alcohol, he hated the idea of using alcohol to cope, tried to encourage Luke to find a healthier coping mechanism.

But yet he still supported him. Ashton was the one he could call at 2am and he'd come and pick his drunken ass up from whatever bar he'd stumbled into, he was the one who would tuck him up in bed and ensure he woke up with painkillers and water by his bed the following morning. Ashton was the one he could call at 4am after one too many, crying about how alone he was, and Ashton was the one who would soothe him and sing to him until he fell asleep. 

"I can't watch you destroy yourself like this anymore, Luke. You know I love you, but this isn't healthy," Ashton had told him sadly after another night of taking his drinking too far. 

"Neither was the way I treated her. No wonder she left." 

__________________________

He'd outed himself to Ashton before he even realised one night. 

He hadn't managed to pick up anybody to take back to his vacant flat that night, causing him to only drown himself further in self pity and alcohol. He relished the way it completely shut off his irrational side, he loved the dreamer he became. The version of himself that believed anything was possible. 

Somehow, he'd managed to get back to Ashton's - their- flat before his tears had begun to fall. He hated that he was always an emotional drunk, he hated that Ashton had to deal with that side of him, but the numbness overrode all of that. 

"C'mon Luke, bed time now," Ashton had coaxed him to his own room. When did he show up? Was he being loud again?

"No, I was still awake," Ashton answered, and Luke concluded that he must've developed the ability to read minds whilst he was out. 

"Nuhh, yours," He mumbled from where he had his arms slung around Ashton's shoulders. 

"My room?" Ashton confirmed as Luke nodded, moving in the direction of Ashton's room instead of what he considered to be the guest bedroom. 

"Let's get you out of these jeans, yeah?"

They said nothing to each other as Ashton pulled off Luke's skinny jeans, tears occasionally dripping onto his bare arms from Luke's face. 

"Do you think I'm disgusting?" Luke blurted out when Ashton was almost finished unbuttoning his shirt. His words stilled his fingers, as he looked up at Luke from where he was crouched in front of him. 

"Never. What makes you think that?" 

"I shouldn't think like I do, it's wrong, and I know I can't even call myself gay because I've dated women and that's offensive," Luke rambled as Ashton frowned in confusion. This was the first he'd heard of Luke calling himself gay. 

"Oh shit!" Luke realised, jumping away from Ashton as his eyes widened. "Did I just offend you? I'm so sorry, don't make me leave, wanna stay," he said quickly, barely pausing for breath as Ashton sighed. 

"You can stay right here if you want to, Luke. You can be whoever you want to be, nobody gets to define that except for you," Ashton said as he went back to getting Luke's shirt off, anything to focus the nerves he had. Luke wasn't straight. There was hope for him yet. 

"What if I don't know who I want to be?" He whispered. 

"Then you wait until you figure it out. It'll all work out, I promise." 

___________________________

"Ashton? I figured out what I want to be." 

"Oh yeah? What's that?" 

"I wanna be okay again." 

___________________________

Luke wriggled his way out of Ashton's arms as slowly as he could, trying not to disturb the older boy. It didn't take him long to make a cup of tea in his favourite mug, settling himself in a chair on the balcony, looking over the landscape as the sun slowly rose, birds tweeting somewhere in the distance. 

That chat with Ashton was months ago. He hadn't brought up the sexuality crisis since his drunken confession that hadn't made a lot of sense, but Ashton made sure to bring up the drinking issue again. One of his following nights out had led to him pouring out his thoughts about Arzaylea, and how much she had fucked him over. 

Ashton linked him up to his own therapist, insisting he tried at least a couple of sessions, and Luke eventually made the promise to try and give up the constant drinking. 

It had been going well so far. At parties now, he tried his best to avoid all the alcoholic beverages, instead assigning himself as driver for the night. He didn't go out nearly half as much, instead opting for nights to seeing his brothers, and nights to spending in Ashton's flat with the boys, watching films and catching up. 

Of course, he had nights where it just overwhelmed him. A lot of the time, he would just go to Ashton, and they would talk instead, and Ashton would do everything he could to distract him from the urge. Other times, Ashton wouldn't be there, or Luke wouldn't feel that he could talk, so he'd turn straight to it instead. 

And, even though he had the right to be, Ashton was never angry. Never mad, not at him. He'd take care of him like he used to, and they'd talk the following day. Ashton never got mad. 

As he worked his way to being closer to okay, he knew he would eventually have to move out of Ashton's flat, go back to being an independent adult, unless he confronted his fears and his feelings. Ashton had tolerated him for far too long, but Luke didn't want to leave. 

Ashton brought a sense of calm, of peace, and the attitude that everything was going to be okay, which was exactly what Luke needed.

"Morning," A voice interrupted his thoughts, and when Luke's focus returned to the door, he saw Ashton stood in the doorway, a pair of pajama pants slung low on his hips, a coffee mug in his hands. "Sleep well?" 

"Mhm, you?" Luke replied quietly as he sipped his tea, returning his gaze to the outside world. 

"Good, thanks," Ashton replied as he sat down in the chair opposite Luke silently, neither of them speaking. 

"I might go back to my own flat in a couple weeks," Luke said absentmindedly, staring down at his chipped nail polish, not catching Ashton's frown. 

"How come?" 

"Well, I'm not doing so bad anymore, and you probably need your own space. Probably about time I wasn't so dependant on you," Luke chuckled, still not looking at Ashton. He couldn't bare to see the grin that was inevitably on his face at the thought of Luke leaving him alone. 

"Luke, I don't mind. I love having you around, and I'd say I'm just as dependant as you," Ashton argued back with a frown, putting his coffee down. 

"You don't have to lie to spare my feelings. I know you probably want to get back to being able to have dudes around again, and it's completely fair enough," Luke shrugged, acting as if he was completely right. 

"I'm not lying Luke. I haven't had anybody around, because I don't want anybody else around," Ashton insisted as Luke frowned. He wanted to just leave Ashton alone with no fuss, no drama created. He thought Ashton would be pleased. 

"I think I decided who I am," He suddenly changed topic, as Ashton's frown changed to one of confusion. 

"Who are you then, Luke?" 

"I think I'm pan," He said quickly, not taking a break between words, feeling extremely vulnerable even though Ashton was the most accepting person he knew. 

"That's great Luke, I'm proud of you," Ashton replied with a sweet smile. 

______________________________________

Two weeks later, and Luke still hadn't left Ashton's flat. The longer he put it off, the more he dreaded having to leave. And he knew, he knew that if he just told Ashton how he really felt, there was a chance he could stay forever, but there was also the chance of ruining everything and making himself even more vulnerable. 

He had to do it. 

"Ashton? Can we talk?" Luke asked as he walked into the living room quickly, sitting down in one of the chairs beside where Ashton was sitting on the sofa, replying to tweets on his laptop. 

"Yeah, of course. What's up?" he asked, setting his laptop aside as he gave Luke his full attention. 

"Can you just... Promise not to interrupt until I'm done?" Luke asked nervously, picking at his nails as Ashton nodded. 

"I know you probably want me out of your hair, and I would've been a long time ago but- I don't know how to say this," Luke laughed, nervously running a hand through his hair as Ashton gave him an encouraging smile. 

"Well, I can't leave. You've seen me at probably my lowest lows, and you still didn't give up on me, and you still cared and looked after me. And I'm aware I could ruin everything right now, but I need to take this chance. Imayormaynotlikeyouasmorethanafriend," Luke said quickly, not giving Ashton the chance to interrupt as he continued. 

"I like how mature you are, and how you seem to know how to fix any problem. I like you when you're drunk, because you're just so carefree, and how you used to be, and shit this probably isn't the best way to explain this, but I feel like you are the sun, and when you're around everything just seems that much prettier and basked in light, and nothing seems quite so bad as long as you're there. And, and I know I'm a bit of a mess, and that you could do so much better than me, but I spent so long doubting myself, and you made me feel like I could be accepted no matter what," he said, not taking much room for breath as he rambled. Ashton was silent, which he decided to ignore for now. 

"Truth is, you gave me the courage I needed to get through the past couple of years, but I just can't ignore the giggly feeling I get whenever you're in a room with me. I can't ignore how warm and content I feel when we sleep in the same bed, I can't ignore the happiness I feel when I'm around you. I like you, and it's okay if you don't feel the same way," Luke paused, lowering his voice slightly. "I just thought I should let you know," he said sheepishly, not wanting to see Ashton's reaction to his long ramble. He was never very good at articulating his thoughts, particularly not on the spot. 

"I'm done," he prompted, making Ashton chuckle. The noise made Luke's head snap up, frowning in confusion. He was expecting for Ashton to be shouting at him to leave by now. 

"Well, it's a good thing I feel the same way then, huh?" Ashton whispered, and when Luke looked into his eyes, he could see they were sparkling with happiness, something he'd never seen before. 

"Can I?" Ashton asked quietly as his eyes flicked down to Luke's lips briefly, as Luke nodded, almost in shock as Ashton leant forward and gently pressed his lips to Luke's. 

Sure, Luke had kissed people before - he'd kissed people he had loved before, but none of them had felt like this. Luke's hand slowly moved up to thread his hands in Ashton's hair as Ashton pulled him closer, resting his hand on the back of Luke's neck. He felt like everything was finally, finally working out in his favour. 

They broke apart, breathless grins on their faces as they moved away slightly. 

"I-I know I might not be able to give you everything you deserve, but I'd like to try," Luke said quietly as he bit his lip. 

"You're all I deserve, Lu. I know you don't believe it, and I know you believe you have to do the impossible, like steal the bloody stars from the sky or something equally as soppy just to prove yourself, but all I want is you," Ashton assured him as Luke shuffled closer until he was practically sitting on Ashton's lap. 

"You're all I need."


End file.
